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Thursday, 30 June 2011

The Spectrum of Graffiti Quality

I love good graffiti, almost as much as I love bad graffiti, so I always make a point of taking a photo when I come across some.  This is, hands down, my favorite ever!
Thanks for the tip, bro!
For the sake of balance, here's some other stuff I've come across in my travels that is less shit.

Camden, London

Somewhere in London, I was super lost when I found this one

Taken in my hometown, Edmonton

Outside the toilets of the Camden markets
This was right beside the flamingo in Chinatown
My personal favorite, taken on a rooftop in Spain

I love graffiti on toilet walls.  Love it love it.
I really want to watch Exit Through The Gift Shop again.  It makes you want to run into the streets with a can of spray paint and express yourself!  Also, I want to start collecting funny bathroom graffiti so if you're ever having a pee and notice something funny on the wall, please please please take a photo and send it my way!

Tuesday, 28 June 2011

8 Fantastic Movies You (probably) Haven't Seen

 I'm not gonna get all holier than thou and tell you that the movies you watch are just way too mainstream. Because that's stupid. What I am going to say is if you're considering a two hour endurance test such as Bad Teacher (or anything else featuring that goblin, Cameron Diaz) get your ass over to Blockbuster and watch these instead! These are, like Aladdin, some diamonds in the rough that never really got the credit they deserved, or if they did, it was ages ago and we've all forgotten about them. On that note....

Bringing Up Baby
Oh, words can't express how much I love this movie.  It's a screwball comedy from 1938 that stars Catherine Hepburn as a disaster prone, happy-go-lucky socialite Susan, who meets and subsequently torments Cary Grant's stressed out, groom-to-be paleontologist, David.  Oh also, Susan has a leopard named Baby.  Even though it bombed at the box office, people slowly began to realize over time that it is hilarious.  Catherine Hepburn, while not famed for being a comedic actress, has amazing comic timing.  It is also the first film, aside from pornography, to ever use the word "gay" in reference to homosexuality.  It was ad-libbed by Grant, who is gay himself, and is one of the funniest scenes of the whole movie.  It's worth watching just to imagine yourself living in a time when women got to dress the way Hepburn does in this film.

The Fall

Easily one of the most visually stunning films I've ever seen.  If you're the kind of person who watches movies for the cinematography more than the storyline, this is the one for you.  Shot in over 20 different countries with beautiful costumes and surreal primary colors, it's a feast for the eyes.  It's directed by Tarsem who also did "The Cell" with Jennifer Lopez, but the plot is less meandering than The Cell.  It's set in Los Angeles in the 1920's and follows a little girl, Alexandria (played brilliantly by Catinca Untaru) who forms an unlikely friendship with an injured stuntman, Roy (played by Lee Pace), while they're both in the hospital.  Roy begins to tell Alexandria a story and we get to see it through the vivid imagination of a child.  Much of the interactions between Alexandria and Roy were unscripted and because of this, Alexandria comes across as a sweet, genuine little girl.  She absolutely makes the film.  Tarsem financed almost all of the film himself.  It was a true labor of love and that really shines through when you're watching it.

The Game of Death
Fascinating.  So Fascinating!  I'm very interested in psychology, especially the psychology of persuasion and influence.  The human mind is so much more susceptible to the control of others than people even realize.  And what has the greatest influence over the majority of people in this day and age?  Television.  The documentary is based on a version of The Milgram Experiment, which studies the willingness of subjects to obey the requests of an authority figure, even when the requests go against their own personal morals.  This documentary uses a game show setting in which contestants are asked to administer electric shocks of increasing strength every time the other contestant gets a question wrong.  The results are (pardon the pun)  shocking.  These people put so much faith in the authority figure (television, the game show host) that they feel they are not responsible for their actions.  I don't want to spoil it, but it really makes you question your own autonomy.  It's available on Netflix.

Smiley Face
Well, Anna Faris is just awesome.  That's all you need to know.  Review finished.  Ok, I'm just kidding, but it's true.  This is one of those movies where everything goes so horribly wrong that it's almost too stressful to watch.  Anna plays the lovable heroine, a hapless stoner named Jane F.  Jane is wake and baking one morning and in her quest for munchies, eats a whole plate of her roommates cookies, despite the sign saying "JANE DO NOT TOUCH".  After devouring all fifteen of them in about five minutes, she discovers that she's just eaten fifteen pot cupcakes and she is now really, really fucking high.  In her attempt to replace the cupcakes, make it to her audition, pay the power bill, return the original copy of The Communist Manifesto she accidentally stole....well she basically has the worst day ever.  
Lucky for her, she's totally fucked, so she doesn't really get what's going on.  It also features great cameos from the likes of Adam Brody, Danny Masterson and Jane Lynch, who seems to be in every movie ever made.  It's a silly, stressful stoner comedy who's talented leading lady will keep you entertained the whole way through.

The Diving Bell and The Butterfly
It's another one in french, but it's so worth a watch.  This film is based on the true story of Elle France editor Jean-Dominique Bauby who suffered a massive stroke at the age of 42 and ended up with a condition called "locked-in syndrome".  What that means is that he was completely lucid and awake, but all of his muscles are paralyzed except the eyes; he is trapped in his own body.  The first bit of the movie is filmed from Jean-Do's perspective, which leads to some very creative camera work, especially the scene where he watches them sew up his infected eye.  He learns to communicate by blinking as a very patient speech therapist reads out the letters of the alphabet.  It's how he eventually wrote the memoir that inspired this film.  It can be a bit slow at times but at it's core, it's an inspirational story about the triumph of the human spirit over unimaginable adversity.

District 13
parkour" as it's called in french.  In fact, it stars one of the sports founders, David Belle, as the main character Leito.  The story line is about drugs, gangs, government oppression and Leito's one man battle to end all those things.  It's somewhat interesting, but really not why you should watch it.  Watch it for the amazing chase sequences in which Belle flies through the air without any wires or CGI.  He is a real life Spiderman.  It's perfect for a night when you just want to shut your brain off (aside from reading the subtitles, but I'm pretty sure the DVD has an english voice over option) and just go "wow, dude!".

Young Frankenstein
I grew up watching this movie, so if I enjoyed it as a ten year old, I'm sure you'll enjoy it now.  Mel Brooks is a comedy legend, and Gene Wilder aces his portrayal as a descendant of the Dr. Frankenstein.  It's a hilarious parody of old school horror films, even shot in black and white which was quite uncommon in the 1970's.  Although Wilder's character, Frederick, has spent his entire career as a lecturer trying escape the shadow of his mad scientist grandfather, when he inherits the Frankenstein estate and discovers his grandfather's old lab and notes he becomes intrigued and decides to pick up where granddad left off.  It's a comedy classic, brimming with talent, that any film buff should really add to their repertoire.

I Know Who Killed Me
Before you judge me, just watch this.  It is the most awesomely awful piece of shit I have ever seen.  From a script laden with plot holes to Lohan's awkward, stunted acting to the heavy handed use of the color blue, this movie doesn't fail to disappoint in the funniest way possible.  I watched this by myself and roared with laughter the entire way through.  Lohan plays Aubrey, a promising young girl who is kidnapped and dismembered in a disgusting torture scene.  She manages to escape, but when she's found she insists she's not Aubrey, but Dakota, a tough talking, streetwise stripper with a bad past.  It gives Linds the chance to say fuck a lot and do a few gratuitous "stripping" scenes (no boobies, sorry).  It's hysterically bad.  Also, it's given me my favorite new drinking game where you drink every time something in the scene is obnoxiously blue.  Yeah, you're welcome.  

Happy viewing everybody,and if you watch any of these please leave a comment and let me know what you thought!

Friday, 24 June 2011

Crips & Bloods: Made in America

I watched this documentary with my boyfriend last night (thank you netflix) and it opened my eyes in a way I never imagined.  I never suspected I would walk away from this film feeling empathetic towards such violent gang members, but that is exactly how feel now and why I'm writing this today.

The film begins with the history of oppression against black people in America.  It is truly heartbreaking.  As a white person, I can't even begin to imagine how it must feel to be rejected, excluded, hated and feared every single day because of the color of my skin.  Think of the racism that exists in our society today and multiply it a thousand times over and you might start to get an idea of what it was like for black Americans 60 years ago.  I would be pissed off, too.

In LA county over 15,000 people have died in gang related deaths in the past 20 years.
"If you had 15,000 people killing each other in any other country there would be diplomats, there would be mediators.  It would go to the UN."
But instead of it going to the UN, everybody just goes to jail.   According to the film, 1 in 4 black men in America will end up in jail at some point in their lives.  It has been alleged that this insane statistic is simply a more politically correct way of enslaving blacks all over again.  Why is it that prisons are comprised of roughly  50 percent black people when they make up only 13 percent of the overall US population?  Something must be done.  You can blame poverty, poor education, high police presence in poor urban areas or you can just say it's all their fault if you want to be like that, but that doesn't change the fact that these statistics must change.

If all of these black men are in prison, it's no wonder their children stray to gangs.  Over half of the black children in America come from single parent households and 91.4% of black single parents are women.  Many of these women are forced to work two or more jobs in order to support their families.  That leaves their children unsupervised, starved for love and searching for a male role model.  All of which gangs can provide to them.  These gangs can also provide them with safety.  This war between the Bloods and the Crips has been going on longer than these kids were alive.  If they were unlucky enough to be born into the wrong place, they are raised to be hard and raised to fear for their lives.  Some people have spent their entire lives within a ten block radius because they are afraid that if they go beyond those invisible boundaries, they'll be shot.  Is it any wonder they desire the protection they feel a gang will give them.  Recent studies have shown that kids living in south central LA are showing higher symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder than kids in Baghdad.

The overwhelming sense I got from watching this documentary is that these gang members don't want things to be like this.  I'm not saying I condone the things they've done, I don't.  But I think they don't want to kill people, they don't want to live in fear and they don't want their children to repeat the cycle and end up like them.  They want change.  There is little government funding towards this, but several independently financed organizations are starting to make changes.  If you would like get involved, or purchase this documentary please visit

It's also available on youtube in clips or you can view it in it's entirety on

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Thursday, 23 June 2011

Gratitude List: Princess Nails, Diagon Alley and Dogs

Yes, I am setting aside my cynicism for the moment to write a list of things that make me happy.  These things really do work when you're feeling shit and you need a pick me up.

First off, I am thankful for my fucking awesome dogs.
Lily is thirteen and ticking along so well.  Our last dog didn't even make it to thirteen, and he was so ill but she's mad chillin, yo.  It's fantastic.  Of course her old age has made her grumpy, stubborn and selectively deaf, but when she decided to be frisky and play like she did when she was a puppy....oh, my heart just melts.

Lulu is...we don't know because she's a rescue from Hurricane Katrina, but what we do know is that Lulu is a mutant.  She has a huge pot belly, an under bite, half nipples and skin tags, and she turns pink when she's happy.  Instead of being a "killer" pit bull, she sleeps in my bed and let's me dress her up in clothes.  She's the bomb.

When my mother tries to use rap slang in an attempt to stay "current"
It is so fucking magical.  Yesterday, while moaning about her husband, she said "Why can't we all just be keeping it real."  Why indeed, mother.  She also really likes to throw "jiggy" into conversations and nothing will convince her that stopped being cool about twelve years ago.  

My awesome boyfriend
I won't get all fluffy and romantic and shit, but he moved half way across the world to be with ME!  

My pimped out princess nails
Yes, it takes me ages to do it.  And, yes, I spend a fortune on nail polish, but when my pretty designs actually turn out how they're supposed to, it's the best feeling.  Looking at my fingers typing these words right now is making me squeal like a gay boy at a Lady Gaga concert.

I really wanna lose three pounds
AND I HAVE!!!  All those weeks of sweating at the gym and saying no to cake has payed off.  I've lost 3.4 pounds and I feel like Giselle.

Las Vegas
I've never been before and we just booked our trip in August!!  I don't like gambling but I'm a huge fan of drinking, boobs, and poolside bars so I'm pretty excited.  I'm also a huge fan of saving money and I'm still not quite over the fact that we booked a week in a villa for $240.  For the whole week.  God, I hope I get a tan.

Harry Potter
HP has affected so many people in such a positive way.  I was so incredibly happy when I saw Diagon Alley drawn in chalk on the side of a school.

I love this song, I love this man and I loved that gig so fucking much.  I've dreamed of seeing The Streets for so long, and everything that could have messed up did, I've honestly wasted hundreds of pounds trying to get to a gig.  When I finally saw him in Leeds, I felt like I was floating.

"Everybody is a genius.  But if you judge a fish by it's ability to climb a tree, it will live it's whole life believing that it is stupid." - Albert Einstein 

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Tuesday, 21 June 2011

Prom Part Two

A couple weeks ago I went to a punk rock prom type thing.  It was awesome!  Cheap drinks, cheap drunks, bow ties and a band playing surf rock.  There was retro girls with beehives, sexy boobed bass players and skanky skankfaces in nightclub outfits.  A prom themed party is an opportunity to wear the most ridiculous outfit you can imagine without garnering scornful gazes.  Why any girl would waste such a golden opportunity just so she can show her boobs/butt/back/legs/fanny is beyond me. I won a duck and some sunglasses, and got my prom photo taken under an archway.  Which I completely forgot about until the photographer emailed it to me yesterday!

I am a dickhead

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Friday, 17 June 2011

Music videos to make you feel good

Sometimes when I'm feeling pissy, I'll head over to youtube to cheer me up.  There is three categories of youtube videos that are instant mood lifters for me: cats doing anything, old people falling down, and really cute music videos.  I'm sure you can handle finding the cats and old people, but here's some help with the music videos.

Champion Sound - Fatboy Slim
I have spent way too much time thinking about this video. Did those girls really do all that themselves? Where did they get all those cereal boxes from? How many times did they mess up the whole thing before they got this perfect? The verdict? Dominoes are cool, and Fatboy Slim makes the most entertaining home-shot videos ever.

Star Guitar - The Chemical Brothers
This video was directed by Michel Gondry (of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind fame) and the whole thing is a train journey that goes to the beat of the music.  The footage was shot by Gondry while riding the train in France ten times over to get the right lighting.  It's so hypnotic!

To Be With You - The Honey Trees
This is just plain pretty and it makes me want to go on adventures.

In The Sun - She & Him
Zooey Deschanel has the most infectious smile, which is a good enough reason to watch this video. Also, she shimmies, tap dances and has really nice hair.

Death to Los Campeinos! - Los Campesinos
I couldn't even say enough good things about this band. I love them, they're awesome live, catchy music, beautiful lyrics and I could continue.  It's wonderful to see them all get killed by kittens, rainbows, confetti and a unicorn.

Island in the Sun - Weezer
Ok, if this video doesn't give you the warm have no soul!

Thursday, 16 June 2011

This is gonna be the best summer EVER!

I currently live in Canada and summer is only about three weeks long, so it's really important to make the most of it. Sometimes I find myself thinking, "Ahh, what a beautiful day. This is a day for adventure! This will be a day to remember!!!". Then I sit in my basement getting high and playing guitar hero all day because I don't know what kind of adventure to have. NOT ANYMORE. I have compiled a list of awesome stuff I'm going to do this summer, and because I'm practically a saint, I'm going to share it with you. Watch out, Mother Theresa, there's a new girl on the block and she's kind of smelly and ready for fun.  Do everything on this list and I promise you'll be one of those people everyone is secretly jealous of on facebook.

Photo from
Lay on your roof and watch a meteor shower
If you can't get onto your roof, or you're a wuss and afraid of heights, drive your car away from the city lights and lay on your car.  Meteor showers are awesome, plenty of falling stars to wish on and it reminds you that you are a tiny, insignificant speck in the world.  I already knew that, but I just love being reminded that I'm not special.  According to the best time this summer for meteor watching is late July and the first week of August, with the prime time being an hour or two before dawn.

Attach a note to some balloons and set them free
It's like a twee version of a message in a bottle.  You could write anonymous affirmations on a bunch of balloons.  Or if you're a dick like me, you just write obnoxious things.  How funny would it be if someone found a balloon with a note, and the note said "Your hair looks stupid today".  I tried this at a bar I worked at,  we attached a gift certificate and set it free, where it immediately got stuck in some trees right outside the bar. So when you do this, open spaces are key.

Learn to blow awesome bubbles and take awesome pictures
AWESOME!  But in all seriousness, bubbles are fucking cool.  Most dollar stores sell a plethora of different bubble juices and dispensers.  The one I'm using in the picture above is a stretched out oval shape, and it worked really well.  My favorite thing about bubbles is you can get some really cool pictures.  I'm planning on writing an article soon about how to make really massive ones, so stay tuned.

Make a Flower Crown
Deep down we all just wanted to be fairy princess who've been plucked from the pages of a Francesca Lia Block novel.  Well, maybe that's just me.  I love wearing flowers in my hair, and when I was a florist I used any special occasion as an excuse to make a massive floral headpiece.  Of course, I never had the presence of mind to take pictures and make a tutorial, but lucky for me the nice lady at Bluebird Vintage did.  So check it out, make your crown and flounce around in a field singing Disney songs.

Have a water balloon fight
There are a few key tips to having (and winning) a fantastic water balloon fight.  First, and most importantly, don't get lazy and use condoms.  It may seem funny at first, but you will end up covered in lube.  Second, no matter how many balloons you have in your arsenal, it's not enough and you will run out.  Third, the best way to fix your lack of balloons and ensure you win the fight is steal all your opponents balloons and then fucking PUMMEL them!  Oh, and make sure you fill the balloons as full as you possibly can.  You don't want your pathetic, impotent weapon bouncing off your adversary's arm.   

photo from
Have a bitchin' picnic
Everybody loves a good picnic, especially one with copious amounts of wine.  You can pack those cute little plastic wine glasses and pretend to be civilized.  Just make sure you remember a corkscrew as well, I always forget the corkscrew.  You don't want any food that's too fussy, so try to bring stuff that doesn't require plates and forks.  Cheese and crackers are always good, and cheese actually tastes better when it's not cold.  I know this because I had a job that made me go through cheese training, just to expand on my pointless knowledge.  Try making things like tuna wraps and other finger foods that are easy to drunkenly cram in your face.

Make your own tasty summer drinks
The above photo is a picture of the greatest thing I have ever done with my life.  Ginger, lime and mint soda.  It is so tasty, I really think I should bottle and sell the stuff, but since I'm about to post the recipe here one of you jerks will probably do it first.  Take half a lime sliced into wedges, some fresh mint leaves and a teaspoon of sugar and muddle together.  Pour in half soda and half ginger beer and top up with ice cubes.  So simple, SO delicious.  

Make postcard collages and send them to your internet friends
Ok, I guess you could send them to friends in real life but not all of us are so popular, Mr. Cool.  I love making collages, in fact I liked the one pictured above so much that I framed it and put it in my house.  I find that magazines with high fashion editorials have most collage-able pictures.  Everything used in the above one was from Zink! magazine, but Vogue or W would probably do the trick as well.

Play frisbee
It's all in the wrist.  Frisbee is fantastic because even extremely un-athletic people like myself can excel at it.  If you decide you're really keen on it, you can even have a round of frisbee golf.  The way I play it is to fill a backpack full of beer (that's very, very important) pick an object in the distance, give it a par and try to hit the object in that many throws.  There is actually a Professional Disc Golf Association who would most likely disagree with all of that, but fuck them.  If you want to know more, wikipedia has you covered.  

Go camping your backyard
If you don't have a tent, just do what they've done in the picture above.  All you need is string and some blankets and you've got yourself a sleepover!  You can make s'mores and and stay up all night telling ghost stories.  I pretty much just use my nightmares as ghost stories.  Take last night's dream, for example, "then as she stepped into the forest, she saw dead bodies hanging from all the trees.  She slowly reached up and realized there was a noose around her own neck!".  Thanks for that one, subconscious.

Make a documentary about something funny with your friends
It can honestly be about anything.  We just filmed one about swings that are shaped like diaphragms.  It's in the editing process right now, but just you wait.  It was just a fun excuse to spend the day goofing off and being mildly narcissistic.  Windows Movie Maker comes with most windows operating systems and it's pretty user friendly.  Here's an example of one we made a while ago about a holiday we invented called Haice (my spell check keeps trying to change it to Ha Ice, as if that's better).

So there you have.  A recipe full of summer fun and debauchery.  Now, I can't lie, I haven't actually done a lot of this stuff yet, but I will.  I totally will, and I'll take tons of photos, put them on facebook and let the avarice begin! 

Sunday, 12 June 2011

My Dog Will Eat Anything

No, really, anything.  She's always been a terrible mooch and it used to drive me crazy, but every cloud has a silver lining.  Why bother with a smelly compost when I have a smelly, spotty pit bull?  It's gotten to the point where the sound of me chopping vegetables has her running like Pavlov's dog.  Only she's more like Rachel Ray's dog.  I figured I may as well have a bit of fun with it, so I started fucking with her.  Giving her things like lemons, onions and other nasty stuff that any normal dog would refuse.  This is the final shred of evidence I needed that Lulu is, in no way at all, a normal dog.  She is the strangest thing I have ever met and I love her so much for keeping me constantly entertained.  She's kind of like a canine version of Winston who is the weirdest, most internet-famous cat ever.

Oh by the way, the only thing she didn't eat was ginger, and she gave it a really good effort.

Friday, 10 June 2011

A Guide To Swearing in English

The english equivalent of flipping the bird.

As a Canadian living in England, I quickly had to learn that they have a whole vocabulary of ridiculous swear words and expressions that never quite made it across the pond.  If I had read a guide like this before I left, I could have avoided a plethora of situations that left me red-faced and all my "mates" laughing at me.  I'm not even going to get into words like "Mangetout" (snowpea), "Aubergine" (eggplant) or "Courgette" (zucchini), we'll save that for another day. 

First, and most importantly, is slang words for genitalia.  All cultures seem to have an endless supply of words for Penis and Vagina, and the English are no different.  Some of my favorites are: Clunge, Minge, Twat, and the best of all...Fanny.  I was sitting on the tube with a Canadian friends visiting London, and she loudly mentioned she forgot her fanny pack.  I flailed like an idiot trying to shush her before the whole train starting inwardly laughing at her.  Don't pretend like you don't inwardly laugh at idiots on public transport, we all do.  It's a comedy gold mine.  Over there, it's a "bum bag" not a fanny pack.  You may as well call it your cunt sack.  Which brings me to my next vagina word.  The always impressive....Cunt.  It's an offensive word, sometimes considered to be the most offensive word, in most of the world.  But those brits reaaaaallllyyy don't like it.  If you want to get punched in the face, call a guy a cunt and see what happens.  I learned this the hard way when I dropped the dreaded C-Bomb not once, not twice, but thrice the first time I went for dinner with my boyfriends parents.  They didn't punch me in the face or anything, but I still want to crawl into a hole and die when I think about how badly I embarassed myself.  Don't even get me started on the the time I made Hitler jokes to his (unknown to me) Jewish stepmother.

Of course, you can't have vaginas without penises!  Unless you're a lesbian, in which case, stop cutting your hair so short and piercing your eyebrow.  My ultimate favorite for english penis slang is Bell End.  So descriptive, yet subtle!  We actually managed to convince a South African co-worker that Bell End Brie was a kind of artisan cheese and that he should offer it to all the customers in the pub.  Magical.  Other options for penis words include Knob, Willy and another favorite of mine, Chode.  Chode is a bit more specific, referring to a penis that is as short as it is wide.  It is almost always an exceptional insult.  Another extremely popular word is Bollocks, which refers to testicles.  It's especially useful when you've just slammed your finger in the car door and need to scream something foul to make yourself feel better.  (It's true, studies have shown that swearing when you've hurt yourself reduces pain.)

Now, just because you know these slang words doesn't mean you won't sound like a complete douche if you try to use them.  North Americans should be forbidden from ever saying the words wanker or tosser.  English people don't procounce their R's and we do.  So when they say "wankah" we say "wank-ERR" and sound like try-hard idiots.  The best bet is just stay informed, so when you're playing with a ring on your finger and it falls off, you know not to say "Oh shit, I dropped my ring".  It means you've farted, or blown off, another lesson I learned the hard way. 

If you have any further questions.....The Inbetweeners are here to help.
It kind of goes without saying that this is NSFW, but I'll say it anyway so you don't get sacked (fired)

I hope this guide has helped you from looking like a complete dickhead if you ever decide to visit england.  I'm sure you can find plenty of fun, original ways to make a complete asshole of yourself in a foreign country.  It's what we North Americans do best!

Gross Things You Should Never Do Around Your Partner

When I started the relationship I am currently in, I decided I was going to attemp to keep the "mystique" alive.  I chose a few basic things that I would try not to do (I know I said never in the title, I'm not perfect) when my guy was around.  It's quite a simple list.  Don't:
  • Fart
  • Burp
  • Pee/poo
  • Brush your teeth/floss
  • Always be naked
If you can't do it in school/church/the supermarket, I'm probably not doing it in front of him.  The obvious exception being, you know, sex and stuff.  I hardly ever have sex in church.

Everyone I know who's in a long term relationship makes fun of me when I mention any of this.  "You don't fart in front of your boyfriend?  Oh my god, you can't even relax around each other".  False.  That is so fucking false.  By following this rule, if my boyfriend does accidently slip one out, I get to giggle and be all "tee hee, busted!" instead of reacting with "For christs sake honey, STOP farting on me.  Or at least do it during commercials so I can leave the room without missing top model."  Oh yeah, real sexy.  Feel the burning passion.  The same thing goes for burping.  You want to present your best, hottest self to your partner, so why wave these gross things in his face?  He's not stupid, he knows you poop.  He doesn't want to think about your cactus shaped shit while he's banging you.  Why do you think they don't show porn stars farting or flossing?  I promise you, Sasha Grey flosses.  How else is she going to get all those old man pubes out of her teeth?  But we don't see it, so she remains a sexy vixen.  Which you will be once you keep your bathroom habits in the bathroom where they belong.  I admit, even my boyfriend thinks I'm weird that I won't brush my teeth in front of him.  When I brush my teeth, I go all out.  There's toothpaste running down my neck by the time I'm done.  So I do it in private.  I like brushing my teeth like a caveman, and if he's there watching I have to try and be all dainty and cute.  Fuck that!  Get out and let me get on with looking like a rabid dog trying to attack a toothbrush.

George: "So she coughed."
Jerry: "Coughing... naked... It's a turn-off, man."
George: "Everything goes with naked."
Jerry: "When you cough, there are thousands of unseen muscles that suddenly spring into action. It's like watching that fat guy catch a cannonball in his stomach in slow motion."
George: "Oh, you spoiled, spoiled man. Do you now how much mental energy I expend just trying to picture women naked?"
Jerry: "But the thing you don't realize is that there's good naked and bad naked. Naked hair brushing, good; naked crouching, bad"

Now the naked thing.  This one is tough for me because I love being naked, although it makes living in a shared house a bit awkward at times.  But the thing is, single guys imagine girls naked constantly, and your precious boyfriend does too.  Not you, of course, because he sees you naked all the time.  Getting out of the shower with makeup smeared all over your face.  Passed out drunk with your shirt half off.  When you're asleep and drool is dripping off your chin onto your oh-so-naked chest.  You see where I'm going with this.  Naked should equal sexy.  Your boobs are a treat!!  Don't wave them all up in his face all the time, make him work to see some titties, just like he did when he was single.  Ok, maybe not don't need to get all Ru Paul on him, but treat your nakedness like a special occasion.  Birthdays wouldn't be nearly as fun if we had one every day.  It's the anticipation, and lack of bathroom sounds, that will keep your "mystique" all mystical and know.....shit filled.

(ps: before anyone starts with the feminist pride, these rules all apply to him too.  Just don't be gross.  The end.)
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