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Friday, 10 June 2011

Gross Things You Should Never Do Around Your Partner

When I started the relationship I am currently in, I decided I was going to attemp to keep the "mystique" alive.  I chose a few basic things that I would try not to do (I know I said never in the title, I'm not perfect) when my guy was around.  It's quite a simple list.  Don't:
  • Fart
  • Burp
  • Pee/poo
  • Brush your teeth/floss
  • Always be naked
If you can't do it in school/church/the supermarket, I'm probably not doing it in front of him.  The obvious exception being, you know, sex and stuff.  I hardly ever have sex in church.

Everyone I know who's in a long term relationship makes fun of me when I mention any of this.  "You don't fart in front of your boyfriend?  Oh my god, you can't even relax around each other".  False.  That is so fucking false.  By following this rule, if my boyfriend does accidently slip one out, I get to giggle and be all "tee hee, busted!" instead of reacting with "For christs sake honey, STOP farting on me.  Or at least do it during commercials so I can leave the room without missing top model."  Oh yeah, real sexy.  Feel the burning passion.  The same thing goes for burping.  You want to present your best, hottest self to your partner, so why wave these gross things in his face?  He's not stupid, he knows you poop.  He doesn't want to think about your cactus shaped shit while he's banging you.  Why do you think they don't show porn stars farting or flossing?  I promise you, Sasha Grey flosses.  How else is she going to get all those old man pubes out of her teeth?  But we don't see it, so she remains a sexy vixen.  Which you will be once you keep your bathroom habits in the bathroom where they belong.  I admit, even my boyfriend thinks I'm weird that I won't brush my teeth in front of him.  When I brush my teeth, I go all out.  There's toothpaste running down my neck by the time I'm done.  So I do it in private.  I like brushing my teeth like a caveman, and if he's there watching I have to try and be all dainty and cute.  Fuck that!  Get out and let me get on with looking like a rabid dog trying to attack a toothbrush.

George: "So she coughed."
Jerry: "Coughing... naked... It's a turn-off, man."
George: "Everything goes with naked."
Jerry: "When you cough, there are thousands of unseen muscles that suddenly spring into action. It's like watching that fat guy catch a cannonball in his stomach in slow motion."
George: "Oh, you spoiled, spoiled man. Do you now how much mental energy I expend just trying to picture women naked?"
Jerry: "But the thing you don't realize is that there's good naked and bad naked. Naked hair brushing, good; naked crouching, bad"

Now the naked thing.  This one is tough for me because I love being naked, although it makes living in a shared house a bit awkward at times.  But the thing is, single guys imagine girls naked constantly, and your precious boyfriend does too.  Not you, of course, because he sees you naked all the time.  Getting out of the shower with makeup smeared all over your face.  Passed out drunk with your shirt half off.  When you're asleep and drool is dripping off your chin onto your oh-so-naked chest.  You see where I'm going with this.  Naked should equal sexy.  Your boobs are a treat!!  Don't wave them all up in his face all the time, make him work to see some titties, just like he did when he was single.  Ok, maybe not don't need to get all Ru Paul on him, but treat your nakedness like a special occasion.  Birthdays wouldn't be nearly as fun if we had one every day.  It's the anticipation, and lack of bathroom sounds, that will keep your "mystique" all mystical and know.....shit filled.

(ps: before anyone starts with the feminist pride, these rules all apply to him too.  Just don't be gross.  The end.)


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