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Thursday, 14 July 2011

How To Survive Long, Boring Flights

I hate flying.
 I'm not afraid of it or anything, I'm just really easily bored and I'm a smoker.  Smokers with (self-diagnosed) A.D.D. are not great flyers.  But since I seemed to have developed a penchant for going back and forth between Canada and England so ridiculously often, I've developed a few foolproof coping techniques.

First, and most important of all, do NOT under any circumstances strike up a conversation with the person sitting next to you.  If you know them, go ahead but I still wouldn't suggest it.  It may seem like a couple minutes of friendly chit chat, but what happens when your small talk with a stranger comes to an end?  There's an awkward silence and you leave and get on with your life.  But you can't leave.  You're a bazillion miles in the air and will be stuck in weird-end-of-conversation-silence for hours.  Just stick your headphones in and shut the hell up.  It's for your own good.  (The exception to this rule was my first ever flight to England where I cried the whole way and my Hungarian seat mate gave me chocolate.)

Be nice to the steward/stewardess.  For the next ten hours they hold your very happiness in their hands.  Do you want some free wine and extra pillows?  Or do you want to be served your meal very last, only to be told there's no chicken left when they just fucking offered chicken to the guy in front of you.  Be nice, give them a big smile and don't be one of those demanding pricks they all want to strangle.  Actually, this advice kind of applies to anyone you encounter in the service industry.  Be nice to get the best treatment.  Easy.

Bring your iPod and a cable to plug it in.  Most planes have USB ports now, so you can happily play angry birds from take off to touchdown without the battery dying.  Well, you could if you didn't have to put away electronic devices during take off.  Make sure you do put it away, though.  Wouldn't want to piss off the stewardess.  If you smoke, bring nicorette or those weird inhaler things that look like tampons.  I'd probably go with the nicorette, those tampons are expensive and unsatisfying.  You're still going to feel like clawing your skin off because you want to smoke so bad, but maybe a little less skin than if you weren't chewing foul tasting gum.

The best tip I can give for surviving flights, maybe even more important than not being friendly to strangers, is to bring sleeping pills.  My step-mom has these super intense sleeping pills that make you act drunk if you take them and don't sleep.  I'm not suggesting you do this, but if you do please film it and email it to me.  Honestly, take them the second you get on the plane, it takes about half an hour for them to kick in and you are off to dreamland.  I can honestly say it's the best flight I've ever been on because I don't remember a damn thing.  One final tip:  Don't take sleeping pills on short flights (ie: less than four hours) because you won't wake up and then the stewardess will have to carry you off the plane.  How many times do I have to tell you to be nice to her!?


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