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Wednesday, 21 September 2011

How Not To Make An Impression On The In-Laws

See that guy giving me the bunny ears?  That's my boyfriend and since I kind of like him, I want his parents to kind of like me.  This is a story of how to make that not happen.  Not. at. all.

We had been dating for a few months but were afraid to get serious because I'm a stupid Canadian and he's a smelly Englishman.  Eventually, though, he took the plunge and brought me up to Leeds to meet his dad.  Big step!  I was understandably nervous but I thought with my abundance of natural charm and tendency to drink too much wine with dinner I'll be just fine.  I was wrong.  I made polite small talk with his dad and his dad's wife, let's call her Linda.  Because her name is Linda, so that seems reasonable.  Anyhow, I was busy charming the pants off Dad and Linda at dinner, and Linda's kids and grand kids for extra measure.  Especially the grand kids as we had very similar taste in Disney movies.  

We were sat around the table discussing intellectual topics and I was using big words to show them how smart their son's new girlfriend is when someone said: "So many German soldiers died in the first world war, and most of them were Jewish."  Inside I thought EUREKA!  Perfect set up for one of my hilarious jokes, of which I have many.  Enter Lisa: "Well, most of them were going to die anyway....you know.....Hitlerrrrr!"  To truly get the idea of how truly stupid I am you must understand that I said "Hitler" in an obnoxious, sing songy voice.  Damn all that red wine.  Nobody laughed as hard as I did, but I figured maybe my humor was too advanced for these neanderthals.  We carried on chatting through the rest of dinner with me completely oblivious to how embarrassed I should have been.

After dinner, I popped outside for a cigarette and Ben joined me.  
"That was quite the joke about Hitler, honey"
"Hah, I know.  I'm hilarious, your family is going to love me."
"Lisa...they're Jewish."

Oh. My. God.  What have I done.  My boyfriends parents think I'm racist!  I've known them for less than twelve hours and I've made a mockery of one of the worst injustices in human history.  I couldn't exactly go, "Linda, I'm so sorry I sang Hitler in your face.  You see, I didn't know you were Jewish."  Nope, there is no recovering from that.  Thank god they live far away.

I won't even go into the time I waved pork scratchings in a Jewish mans face while exclaiming "Try them!  They're pig skin!"  

Tuesday, 20 September 2011

Why I'm Glad I'm Not The Prettiest Girl In The Room

We've all seen them.  The girls with flawless make up, perfectly styled hair and sky high stilettos that make their legs look a mile long.  Any girl who says she's never wished to look like that is probably lying.  I'm certainly guilty of it.  But while I may sometimes long to look like that, I have no desire to be like that.  That look does not come easily.  It's the result of hours of preparation, hundreds of dollars spent on make-up, clothes, tanning, you name it.  Don't get me wrong, I like to get dolled up and I like to look nice but I also like to look like myself.  More than that, I hate stressing about how I look.  I'm the kind of girl who wakes up at a friends house and lounges around in pyjamas all day with a cup of tea.  I can't even imagine waking up and rushing to the bathroom with my arsenal of beauty supplies to ensure nobody sees me with my "real" face on.  I don't even carry make up in my handbag.  A statement some girls would probably find really weird.  I am not afraid to go out of the house without make up on.  To be honest, I find it a bit sad how many girls are.  It's a source of pride for me that I look pretty much the same when I wake up in the morning, maybe just a bit spottier!  


The strangest of all is that we're not doing it for the boys, and a lot of girls don't even do it for themselves.  They groom, pluck, sculpt and camouflage to compete with other girls.  If you see a girl prettier than you she's a bitch, a whore or a snob.  If she's uglier than you she's a dog.  Well, I'm not buying into this shit anymore!  I refuse to say bad things about other girls.  When I see someone "prettier" than me, I'm going to compliment her awesome hair.  I am perfectly happy not to be the prettiest girl in the room.  Let them spend an hour on their make up and silently judge each other, I'm going to go play Guitar Hero and be confident just the way I am.


Monday, 19 September 2011

The Ultimate in Bathroom Graffiti

I've mentioned before how much I like bathroom graffiti.  People bare their souls while they bare their bums.  Good times.  I think it's really sweet that someone wants to give you something to read while you pee.  I was in one (uber hipster) bar that had stalls covered in "WU TANG CLAN FOREVER!".  So funny.  Last Friday when I went to go watch my friend Doobyis rap, I totally met my bathroom match.

Pardon the blur, I was drunk and really excited.








It's going to be a challenge finding a bathroom that tops this one.  Challenge totally accepted! Also, listen to Doobyis. He's awesome.

Thursday, 15 September 2011

Real Life Disney Princesses

Like most girls I am obsessed with Disney, especially the princesses.  What's even more amazing is that they're real people!  What you don't believe me?  Think no normal human being can have such perfect hair, amazing make up and be so beautiful?  Well, thanks to photographer Ryan Astamendi, you better believe it!


Ok, I know she's not a princess, but this is spot-on!


If you're interested in seeing more of his work and other artist's interpretations, check out The Art of the Disney Princess
 It looks so cool!  It's amazing to see how many people have been inspired by these iconic characters.

I know what you're thinking now.  Sure, they look like the princesses but can they sing?

This amazing lady is Traci Hines and she is a princess.  She's got the voice down perfect, her hair is always flawless and she styles it all herself!  Really inspiring stuff.  What's even more amazing....she likes my nails on Etsy and wants me to design some for her upcoming photoshoots!  I am SO excited to be working with such a talented individual.  She doesn't just sing the little mermaid, so head over to her youtube channel and get ready to be amazed!

What's that weird feeling in the back of my head?  Oh yeah, it's my brain forming ideas for a Halloween costume!

Tuesday, 13 September 2011

Style Inspiration: Zooey Deschanel

This fall I am all about channeling Zooey.  She manages to look adorable and chic without flashing a lot of skin, which is important to me because I hate being cold.  Why do you think I'm fleeing Canada in three weeks?  In her new show. The New Girl, she even rocks some massive glasses, so she's basically me.  Only with shinier hair, bright blue eyes, less 20 pounds and plus a strange similarity to Katy Perry.

I should probably start chasing boys around shouting "Hey Sailor!  Wait...come back!  It's cute when she says it!"

What I admire about her, (aside from her hair...did I mention how nice her hair is?) is that she's well put together when she's just out and about which is really the true measure of style.  If you look good on the red carpet, it means you pay someone cool to dress you.  If you look good in the queue at Starbucks, it means you're cool.  I don't even go to Starbucks, so I'm extra uncool.  But if I did, I would rock this little outfit:
Ahhh, I'm so excited for it to get colder so I can live in shorts and tights.  It's my version of being a never nude.

I need to get me some shirts with cute little collars and cute heart pins.  Etsy, here I come!

If I'm going to properly steal her style, my curling iron is going to be getting some major action.  And I am totally fine with that.  

Seriously, this girl probably sleeps in her tights.  I fucking love it.

I'll probably pass on the dungarees, but how cute are those braids with dainty, curled ends!?

So here's the plan.  Lots and lots of black tights, cute collared shirts, cute cardigans, poufy high-waisted skirts, and curls with loads of volume and bangs.  It's gonna be awesome.

Then we'll be bestest friends forever.
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